This morning
in the shower I felt suddenly overwhelmed by sadness. I stood there with the warm water streaming
over me and I couldn’t make myself move.
What I really wanted to do was curl up in the corner and just stay there
letting the water wash over me. Maybe I
was hoping it would wash away the gloom I was feeling.
Why this
melancholy? I am in remission and doing
fairly well. Before I was in remission,
I thought if only I could get to remission, I would be a lot happier and I
suppose I am most of the time, but right now is not one of those times and I am
not sure why.
Earlier this
month my neighbor next door passed away. I can remember the day in 2010, a couple of
months after I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, when he came over to see how I was doing. He then told me he had been diagnosed with
liver cancer. He was never far from my
thoughts and he was always in my prayers.
Around that same time, one of my dear high school friends was diagnosed
with stage 4 colon cancer that had spread to the liver. She hadn’t been sick at all and it was a shock
to everyone. On March 19, she lost her
difficult battle. She, too, was never
far from my thoughts and was always in my prayers.
Washington
State has experienced back to back La Nina weather patterns over the past two
years which means it has been cooler and wetter than usual. Seattle is known for rain, but in reality it
usually gets less than 40 inches a year – the rain is just spread out over more
days. But, with La Nina, we have had
more than our usual share of rain. As a
native of the Pacific Northwest, rain and cold weather usually never bother me,
but maybe they are contributing to my current state of mind.
Perhaps what
is weighing most on me is the uncertainty of remission because there is no
guarantee that it will last very long. It
could last for just a few months or it could last years. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the experts could
say that remission will last at least one year or two years – pick a number –
and then you could relax for awhile. Of
course, we all know that is not how it works.
It is the uncertainty that I sometimes dwell on and I know I need to
stop doing that.
Knowing that
there are so many cancer patients suffering and who are not in remission makes
me feel guilty for feeling so sad and expressing these thoughts. I
need to snap out of it and I know I will because I have been an
optimist throughout my life. There really is no time to
waste wallowing in gloom. It is time to enjoy
where I am right now.
Cheerfulness
is the very flower of health.
~Proverb
Carole, I know how you're feeling. When it was determined after transplant that I had achieved CR, my oncologist asked me why I wasn't happier and commented that the hardest part was over. I did smile; however, I was thinking, "No, the hardest part is just beginning." I too feel guilty for feeling sad. So many others are in far worse shape. I guess it's just the way it is. Cancer sucks.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment. You are right, cancer sucks. I am going to attend some Survivorship seminars in April and I know that will be good thing to do. Hang in there and stay in remission.
DeleteLove,
Carole Leigh
I am an Intender (www.intender.org) and we support people in a variety of ways. As a former caregiver for someone with MM, I decided some time ago to use my intending with people I knew in the MM community. Perhaps you've read some of my comments on various blogs. Anyhow, the point of my stopping by and commenting is that I wanted you to know that 1) depression during remission is common and you might think about using SEPIA, a homeopathic remedy, for awhile and 2) although there is no timeline, I do feel there are ways to maximize CR by holding the intention that all your good cells are healthy and well, doing their jobs and this is for the highest and best good of all concerned, (and I add) so be it and so it is! Intending this comment is uplifting for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you Sandy. I have not heard of intender.org and I will certainly take a look. Your comment is uplifting to me.
DeleteCL
dear carlole, i think you are on the right track, realizing that though there is uncertainty with remission, it's not a place you want to stay in. i love that sandy has graciously and sincerely reached out to you - she is well known in the myeloma community, and both hugh, my husband, diagnosed in 2009, and i have been on the receiving end of her intending for us. i was diagnosed with stage IV metastatic breast cancer, then 6 days later with insulin dependant diabetes just before christmas this year. i FEEl the intending sandy sends our way, and you will, too. our new, one word mantra is BELIEVE, as a result of all the good that's come into our lives. hugh is also in remission, and some of the ackwardness of being there i think results from feeling less secure, not being looked after as intensely by his medical team. it's helped him very much to keep practicing living in the moment; it's not easy, and fears do have a way of creeping in, but it's a worthy goal to strive for. just know you are not alone. warm hugs, carole - karen sutherland
ReplyDeleteDear Karen,
DeleteThank you for your supportive and comforting comments. Remission and survivorship are confusing phases of this medical journey and it helps to hear from others who are "traveling" too. I think for the most part I am able to keep a pretty positive attitude and try to live in the moment, but every once in awhile, as you read in Sometimes Sadness Prevails, my thoughts get the best of me. I had not heard of "intending" but I like the sound of it and I am happy to hear of your experience with it. BELIEVE is a wonderful mantra - I'll remember that. You and your husband have certainly had more than your share to deal with. I wish you both the very best. Again thank you . . .
Warm hugs to you,
Carole Leigh
Hi, Carole, you have touched upon a true quandary. We want to be well informed MM patients, up on what's new and how people are affected; however, doing so consistently pulls us deeper into the world of MM and may even cause us to dwell upon (dare I use the word "obsess") events that may never happen to us. It's a real Catch 22! Lovey Beth (also a retired 1st grade teacher)
ReplyDeleteLovey Beth,
DeleteYou are so right. It is truly a Catch 22 and I am not sure what the solution is. Finding the balance is difficult. However, I felt balanced today as you can see if you read my post today!
I think we must be kindred spirits because I think all first grade teachers are. So many people used to make the comment that it takes a special person to teach first grade!!!
Love,
Carole Leigh
Hey Carole
ReplyDeleteLike the other people commenting above, I need to say that this feeling of mild depression or sadness is VERY common at the end of treatment for curable cancers and at the beginning of remission for incurable ones. I think some of it is due to the lessening of medical intervention and care, feeling abandoned and a "now what?" kind of feeling. I had it too, although my remission only lasted months, but I felt very low.
Strangely, although I was devastated and distressed by the news of the relapse, all the energy of new treatment and hospital visits has been much more uplifting and keeps me VERY focused on living in the moment.
But I think it's also that you then have to partly let go and get on with life, not being sure how much to live in the now and how much you can dare to plan for the future. But there's that sense of knowing that at some point, whether it's in weeks, months or many years that it will come back. So, in some way, when it does, at least the waiting and questioning and insecurity about it is over.
I doubt this is particularly helpful in an uplifting way, but it maybe is some clarity for you, which I dare say you've already found for yourself.
I wish you a long and well-balanced remission, however you find it. And if you do find good ways for achieving balance, please do blog about them.
Hugs
Jet
Jet,
DeleteI appreciate your wisdom. What you have said is so true and your words are uplifting to me.
I was so happy when I read that you have found a match. My daughter is registered to be a donor and when I told her your good news, her response was, "I wish I could be her donor." She is really hoping she will get the call someday.
I wish you a "safe" journey as you proceed with your transplant. I pray it is highly successful and puts you into a very long remission.
Love,
Carole Leigh